Carnegie Shul Chatter
March 22, 2016
Candle lighting time is 5:07
Shabbos services are at 9:20
Shabbat Shalom
Candle lighting time is 7:20 pm
Shabbos services start at 9:20 am
A One Act Purim Shpiel
The Amazing Adventures of Super Jew
With Apologies to the Megillah of Esther, Peter Pan, My Fair Lady,
West Side Story, Man of La Mancha, and your sense of humor.
Cast of Characters
Narrator – James Earl Jones
Mordechai, a.k.a. Super Jew – Played by Woody Allen,
with singing dubbed by Leon Ziontz
Queen Esther, a.k.a. The Niece – or Cousin –
Played by Mayim Bialik, with singing dubbed by
Barbra Streisand
King Ahashuarus, a.k.a. The Ayatollah – Played by
Christopher Walken
Vashti, a.k.a. Paris Hilton – Played by Kim Kardashian
Haman, a.k.a. Hitler – Played by Anthony Hopkins
One of the traditions of Purim
that has become increasingly
popular in recent years is the
Purim shpiel. If you are not
familiar with the Purim shpiel,
it is usually a parody of the
Purim story, and many
synagogues now have shpiels
performed by members of the
congregation.
In lieu of such a presentation
at our shul, I have written my
first ever Purim shpiel. It is a
musical comedy/parody that
is, I must admit, somewhat all
over the place.
I had fun writing it. I hope you
have fun reading and singing
it.
Happy Purim
Narrator:
Faster than a speeding camel…
More powerful than the IDF…
Able to leap tall pyramids at a single bound…
Look, up in the sky, it’s a bird, it’s a plane, its Super Jew
Yes, it’s Super Jew, strange visitor from the Land of Canaan, who came to Persia/Iran with powers and
abilities far beyond those of mortal men…
Super Jew, who could change the course of the Nile River…
Break matzoh without crumbling it in his bare hands…
And who, disguised as Mordechai ben Something-or-Other, mild mannered Torah scholar at a great
metropolitan yeshiva… fights a never ending battle for truth, justice, and the Jewish way – oy vey!
Our story begins in the
land of Persia, now known as Iran, where
once upon a time it was an era of glory for
the Jews and for the land of Persia. The
ayatollah ruled over 127 provinces, and
there was enough wealth for everyone.
Shiites and Sunnis did not yet exist. There
were jewels and gold, and condos on the
shores of the Arabian Sea. And there was
no need for nuclear power or weapons.
But for Jews to be so happy, how could
this be? Jews aren’t supposed to be
happy and free, are we?
And so, darkness soon descended upon the land. The Ayatollah appointed a new Prime Minister, an evil
man, named Haman, or was it Hitler? Now the Jews are in grave danger. Who can save them? Where is
Super Jew when we need him the most?
Scene 1: Outside the Ayatollah’s Palace
Haman/Hitler, the evil one, is about to enter the gates of the
palace. As he arrives, all who are gathered outside the gates bow
down and doff their hats to the tyrant. But one man does not
bow down or remove his yarmulke, for he is Mordechai, the
Super Jew, in his alter ego role of Mordechai ben Somebody,
neurotic Torah scholar extraordinaire.
Haman/Hitler:
Yo, Jew Boy, don’t you know that you are required to prostrate
yourself before me as you would before a God? Do you wish to be beheaded by ISIS?
Mordechai:
To the tune of I Won’t Grow Up from Peter Pan
I won’t bow down, I won’t bow down
I will not remove my cap, I will not remove my cap
Or worship any despot , Or worship any despot,
You dirty rotten rat, you dirty rotten rat
If not bowing down means it would be
My final destiny to hang from a tree
I still won’t bow down, still won’t bow down, still
won’t bow down,
Not me, Not I, No sir, No way! So there!
Scene 2: Inside the Ayatollah’s Palace…Two Days Earlier
Vashti/Paris Hilton:
Where are those whores that got divorced (otherwise known as hor dourves)? What is wrong with the
caterer? The food should have been here by now. Where are the floral arrangements? Are the
fireworks guys here yet? I’ll have them all beheaded by ISIS!
Narrator:
The people know her as Vashti, the Queen. But, when there are riches to be spent… she is… Paris
Hilton!
King/Ayatollah:
Now, now, Vashti, calm down. This is only a lavish ball for everyone in the kingdom… You’re acting like
its Aladdin’s Flying Magic Red Carpet Show.
Vashti/Paris Hilton:
Don’t you tell me to calm down, Mr. King.
This is my big night.
To the tune of Tonight from West Side Story
Tonight, tonight, won't be just any night,
Tonight’s my biggest party by far.
Tonight, tonight, I'll give this party tonight.
And our subjects will stop where they are.
Today the minutes seem like hours,
The hours go so slowly,
And still the sky is light
Oh moon, grow bright,
And make this perfect party last all night! Tonight!
Today, our palace is just an address
A place for us to live in
No better than alright
But soon you’ll see,
That life will be an endless party. Tonight!
(Haman enters)
Haman/Hitler:
(to king) Your holiness, there are important affairs of the kingdom to deal with, you have no time to fool
with lavish parties. Come with me.
King/Ayatollah:
You are right, Haman. I’ll be right there.
Vashti:
(to Haman) Oh, no you don’t! The king must stay right here to welcome
our guests, while I go get my designer bag with the little dog in it. The E
TV people are setting up right now!
King/Ayatollah:
You’re right, Vashti. I shall stay with you.
(Vashti leaves)
Haman/Hitler:
Your holiness, hotel heiress or not, that foolish woman oversteps her
bounds. You are the king, and she should not be telling you what to do.
King/Ayatollah:
You are right, Haman. Whatever you say.
Haman/Hitler:
I say she should be banished from the kingdom. Or beheaded – depending on which Purim commentary
you read.
King/Ayatollah:
To the tune of I’m Gonna Wash That Man Right Out of My Hair from South Pacific
I'm gonna wash Paris Hilton right outa my hair,
I'm gonna wash Paris Hilton right outa my hair,
I'm gonna wash Paris Hilton right outa my hair,
And send Kim Kardashian on her way.
Narrator:
The evil Haman. He seizes power, and turns the king against his queen – and
his people. He hates the greatest people in the kingdom, the followers of the
one true God, the Jews. He is stealthy, he plots in secret. His words are
poison, he is deadly. He is… Hitler.
King/Ayatollah:
But Haman, if I get rid of her, what will I do for a wife? My Harem has barely
100 women? I will need a new chief wife.
Haman/Hitler:
You will not be alone for long, my king. We will find you another wife right
away. I will search the kingdom immediately!
Scene 3, Three Days Later: At the Home of Mordechai and Esther
Esther:
Oh, woe is me. I have been chosen to become the new queen. But I am a Jewish girl and cannot marry
the gentile king. And besides, I am already in love with Sheldon, the physicist.
Mordechai:
Woe is you? Wait a minute. Quit your kvetching. I’m the neurotic guy here, not you. Anyway, the
Jewish people have drifted far from the ways of our ancestors. Did you see the chazzarye they were
eating at that lavish ball at the palace? And the men didn’t even stop partying when it was time for
minyan! Our people need to be saved from themselves. And you, Esther, are the person to do it!
Esther:
Me? Why me? I am no one special.
Mordechai:
I can only tell you this… I have read the megillah, and it is you who will save us all!
Esther:
I guess you are right. I can see just myself as queen:
To the tune of Wouldn’t it be Lovely from My Fair Lady
All I want is a room somewhere
Far away from the cold night air
In the palace, I declare
Oh, wouldn't it be lovely?
Lots of gefilte fish for me to eat,
Lots of bagels and fried matzie.
Warm corned beef and hot pastrami
Oh, wouldn't it be lovely?
Narrator:
She is an ordinary Jewish woman. But she holds the fate of her
people in her hands. Everyone knows her as Esther. But in reality,
she is… The Niece (she unveils N on her shirt) – or Cousin (she turns
to reveal C on her back) – depending on which Purim commentary
you read.
Esther:
But tell me, uncle – or cousin – how can I leave our community? The Mandelkorn bat mitzvah is this
Shabbos and I’m opening the ark for Alenu, aren’t I?
Mordechai:
You must go, Esther. The very fate of our people depends upon it. And… this is your destiny!
Esther:
Then I am off to the palace to marry the King! (she leaves, with a flourish of her cape)
To the tune of Off to See the Wizard from The Wizard of Oz.
I’m off to marry the Ayatolah, The Wonderful Ayatollah of Iran
I hear he is a whiz of an Ayatollah, if ever a wiz there is
If ever, if ever, a wiz there is, the Ayatollah of Iran is such a wiz
Because, because, because, because, because
Because of the wonderful things he does
I’m off to marry the Ayatollah, The Wonderful Ayatollah of Iran
Scene 4: The King’s Quarters… Haman presents Esther to the Ayatollah
Haman/Hitler:
Your Ayatollahness, I present to you, Esther, your new Queen to be
The Ayatollah, upon seeing Esther, to the tune of Maria from West Side Story
Esther, I've just met a Jewess named Esther
And suddenly that name will never be the same to me
Esther, I just smooched a girl name of Esther
And suddenly I found how wonderful a smooch can be
Esther, say it loud and you won’t hear her draying
Say it louder to stop her uncle’s complaining
Esther, I must make Esther my new queen
Narrator:
Haman plots to eliminate the Jews. He convinces the Ayatollah that they are evil and out to take over
the kingdom. The Ayatollah signs a decree to eliminate the Jews.
King/Ayatollah:
Reprise of I’m Gonna Wash That Man Right Out of My Hair from South Pacific
I'm gonna wash those Jews right outa my hair,
I'm gonna wash those Jews right outa my hair,
I'm gonna wash those Jews right outa my hair,
And kill them all someday.
Scene Five: Outside a Cell Phone Booth
Narrator:
The Jews are in trouble. Haman/Hitler and the stupid
King/Ayatollah are about to eliminate them. Oh Mein Kampf! But
mild mannered Mordechai sees the story on Facebook and decides
that it is time to act. He runs to the nearest cell phone booth and
soon emerges as… Super Jew!
Scene Six: That Night at Esther’s Quarters at the Palace
Narrator:
Esther, too, has learned of the plot against the Jews on a Twitter posting from her uncle/cousin. As she
nervously paces the floor of her room, she hears a tapping at her window. She opens the window and in
flies Super Jew!
Esther:
Peter Pan, is that really you?
Mordechai/Super Jew:
Peter Pan? What are you talking about? Have you gone meshugenah?
Esther:
to the tune of I’m Flying from Peter Pan:
You’re flying
(Flying, flying, flying)
Look at you way up high,
You came here in the sky
You’re flying.
You’re flying
(Flying, flying, flying)
You can soar
You can weave and what's more
You’re not even trying
High up, and as light as you can be.
You are a sight so lovely to see.
Mordechai/Super Jew:
Oh, you silly girl. I’m not Peter Pan. I’m your uncle/cousin Mordechai, the Super Jew. That’s why I was
flying.
Didn’t you see my Tweet? Haman and your husband want to kill all of the Jews. We must do something
before it’s too late, and I’m afraid the UN won’t approve sanctions in time.
Esther and Mordechai/Super Jew
To the tune of The Impossible Dream from Man of La Mancha
To save all of the Jews
To fight Haman our foe
To survive this terrible trouble
To daven when it’s hard to do so
This is our quest, to follow that Jewish star
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far
To be willing to give when there's no more to give
But we will not die because honor and justice must live
And we know if we only hold true to our glorious faith
That our God will always be there to rescue our race
And the world will be better for this
That the Jews, scorned and covered with scars,
Still strove with their last ounce of courage
To kill Haman or put him behind bars.
Narrator:
Okay, so this megillah is going just a bit too long. I can see your tuchis dragging. You know the rest of
the story. The Russians veto sanctions, so Esther and the Super Jew must save the Jews without any
help from the rest of the world. Haman/Hitler hangs from the gallows. And life is good for the Jews for
a little while.
Unfortunately, there are many other trials and tribulations placed before our people in the years that
follow, but we have survived every single attempt to eliminate us.
Esther and Mordechai/Super Jew
Solemnly together to the tune of Somewhere from West Side Story
There's a place for us,
Somewhere a place for us.
Peace and quiet and open air
Wait for us
Somewhere.
There's a time for us,
Someday a time for us,
Time together with time to spare,
Time to learn, time to care,
Someday! Somewhere!
We'll find a new way of living,
We'll find a way of forgiving
Somewhere . . .
Narrator:
I know where. Hopefully, next year… in Carnegie! At the Carnegie Shul! Happy Purim everyone!
Coming Event
Registration now open!
Come out to the South Hills JCC where we will
be partnering with Zachary’s Mission, a nonprofit organization that supports families of
medically fragile children. We will be
assembling Zack Packs, their signature
program, which includes an embroidered back
pack filled with toiletries, snacks, a journal and
other creature comforts for families staying in
the hospital with their medically fragile child.
They are designed to satisfy basic human needs
and lessen the financial and emotional
hardships faced by families over extended
hospital stays. You will also have the
opportunity to make creative cards for UPMC’s Project CheerUP. All activities are family friendly!