Help my child has anger issues!
Marina du Plooy
Feelings of anger are rife these days. Children in particular experience a lot of anger in their
environment and they themselves express anger in return. Unmanaged anger is a destructive force
in the life of your child.
WHAT IS ANGER?
The Collins dictionary describes anger distinctly; “a feeling of great annoyance or antagonism as the
result of some real or supposed grievance; rage; wrath”.
The Cambridge dictionary in turn says: “anger is a strong feeling that makes you want to hurt someone
or be unpleasant because of something unfair or unkind that has happened”. Anger is a powerful
emotion people feel from time to time when someone or something, frustrates or annoys them.
“Anger” stems from the Greek word ankhone - ”a strangling" - a perfect description of anger’s effect
on someone. Hence the expression: “I’m so angry I want to strangle someone”.
Les Carter says in his book, Getting the best of your anger, that there are two types of anger, assertive
anger and aggressive anger. Assertiveness means to put forward one’s beliefs and values in a
confident, self-assured manner. When used correctly, assertiveness is a positive trait.
Aristotle said that anybody can become angry
- that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree
and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way that is not within everybody's power and is not easy.
Aggressive anger, on the other hand, goes too far. Like assertiveness, aggressive anger seeks to put
forward one’s belief about what one believes to be right. When an aggressive style of anger is used,
there is little concern for the impact the anger will have on the recipient. Aggressive anger tends to
be destructive (Carter, 1998).
Anger is a secondary emotion. Children use it to manipulate others and to gain power. The primary
emotion is helplessness, vulnerability, frustration and fear. The child might feel the work is too
complicated, or he or she worries, is suspicious, scared, frustrated, nervous, overwhelmed, lonely, or
shocked by something.
These feelings fuel anger.
I am a danger to myself if I get angry.
Oriana Fallaci
©Mind Moves Institute, Johannesburg. 2016
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WHAT DOES THIS UNLEASHED MONSTER LOOK LIKE?
Anger is only one letter away from danger. Angry children may lose control over their bodies. For
instance, they may seek to punch another child who does wrong (Carter, 1998). Angry children are
very needy and dependent on parents and teachers.
They often confuse reality with fantasy and therefore might daydream. Angry children often shout
rude things like, ‘Don’t look at me!’ and ‘Leave me alone!’ They can cause great degrees of distress to
their family members, classmates and teachers. The biggest scholastic problem is simply that the
angry child is incapable of learning.
Let’s find out why.
BRAIN DEVELOPMENT
At the Mind Moves® Institute we use Paul Maclean’s Triune brain theory where the brain is subdivided
into three layers.
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The reptilian, or survival brain (prime time for development 0-14 months)
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The limbic system, or emotional brain (prime time for development 2-4 years)
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The neo-cortex, or thinking brain (prime time for development 4-11 years).
The survival brain focuses on survival and survival only, and can be compared to the brain of a reptile,
hence the name reptilian brain. No logical thinking takes place in this part of the brain. The survival
brain is important for automatic responses and primary survival functions like regulating heart beat
and breathing.
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WHEN DO CHILDREN FUNCTION FROM THEIR SURVIVAL BRAINS?
The moment the child experiences a stressful situation, be it emotional, or physical, they get stuck in
the survival brain when there are active primitive reflexes present. In the survival brain, movement
gets first priority and there is no ‘STOP’ button.
There are three behavioural options when in the survival brain;
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Fight The child reacts aggressively
Flight The child withdraws and avoids conflict
Freeze The child looks at you with big round eyes and unable to respond.
A child in survival brain mode will definitely choose one of the three options above. A child who
constantly rests on his arms in class and gazes out of the window instead of looking at you has chosen
the flight option.
A child with that blank look steaked across their face is freezing, while a child with aggressive behavior
or has a discipline problem, has chosen the fight option in the survival brain mode.
From a Mind Moves perspective we find that, because so many of our children have active reflexes,
they are in fact functioning from the survival brain. Advance Mind Moves Instructors assess and fix
these aberrant reflexes.
Memory, motivation and concentration sits in the emotional brain and the ability to STOP and think
sits in the intellectual brain. THIS is where learning takes place, not in the Survival part of the brain.
POSSIBLE REASONS BEHIND THE ANGER
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Deep inside, the angry child hungers for approval (Carter, 1998)
Feeling unaccepted and unloved by adults or friends (Carter, 1998)
Is involved in a power struggle and doesn’t like being restricted by rules and boundaries
Being spoiled (Carter, 1998)
To get what they want
The child feels unsafe
Experiences neglect and feels ignored
Given too much control
Exposure to traumatic or violent experiences
Severely beaten or hurt
Division in spouse relationships
Severe stress
Sudden separation by significant people in their lives like a parent
Follow adults’ yelling and anger example.
INEFFECTIVE WAYS FOR PARENTS AND TEACHERS TO DEAL WITH ANGRY CHILDREN
As the saying goes, “Smile and the world smiles with you”. The opposite is also true, when a child has
an angry outburst, our automatic response is to fight back and shout. Yelling gives them the (negative)
attention they were looking for. You are the adult, act like one!
Don’t reason, or argue with an angry child. Remember no reasoning takes place in the survival brain.
End the empty threats. The angry child knows if you follow through, or not.
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Don’t ask why. The angry child often cannot express his emotions, because no logical thinking takes
place. Words to express their feelings first need to be taught.
You can’t teach children to behave better
by making them feel worse.
When children feel better,
they behave better.
Pam Leo
EFFECTIVE WAYS FOR PARENTS AND TEACHERS TO DEAL WITH ANGRY CHILDREN
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Teach the child to express what they are feeling; give them the
vocabulary to help them express themselves (Lively, 2014)
‘It’s far better to build up your kids’ self-esteem and sincerely express
appreciation’, says Berman.
Respond in a skillfully and supportive way, rather than to react out
of anger and frustration (Lively, 2014)
Clarify your expectations (Lively, 2014)
Signal and rehearse. Decide on a hand signal that shows the child
they are losing control and get them to count (or smile). Rehearse
so this becomes effective
Remove them from the situation/other child involved
Stay calm. Making calm statements like: STOP! We don’t
hit/bite/kick…
Acknowledge their feelings, ‘You look really upset’, ‘I’d be mad too
if… but I expect you to use calm words to show that. Do you need
cool off time?’
Be kind, strict and fair
Establish and keep to routine
Set achievable, realistic boundaries
Be a calm role model
Encourage the angry child to verbalise his or her feelings without screaming, or whining, using ‘I
statements’ such as ‘I’m angry’ or ‘I am mad’. They can tell the other person how they are feeling,
why they are feeling this way and what they need. Explain how, by telling someone what is bothering
us, even when we are a little bit angry, we can avoid letting it build up into something bigger and
harder to control (Green, 2005).
HARNESS THE ANGRY MONSTER BY IMPLEMENTING A MIND MOVES HOME PROGRAMME
Mind Moves is a movement program that parents and teachers can utilize on a daily basis to address
anger problems. Mind Moves are exercises that need to be done in a controlled manner, and if
possible, 2 times per day, with a minimum of 3 repetitions per move (De Jager, 2009).
The Mind Moves home program recommended for anger is the same as for a learner with an aberrant
Moro reflex. A learner with an aberrant Moro reflex is in a constant state of alert for danger (real, or
perceived). They often show typical reptilian brain behavior and therefore their bodies produce too
much adrenalin, causing a constant state of “flight or fight” (De Jager, 2009).
©Mind Moves Institute, Johannesburg. 2016
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MIND MOVES FOR EFFECTIVE ANGER MANAGEMENT (De Jager, 2009)
Power ON
Rub the indentations just below the collar bone, in line with the left eye to reestablish the electrical flow via the Vagus nerve (to the speech organs and
stomach) to help relax butterflies and talk with ease.
Rise and shine
Stimulate the reflex by flinging the arms wide open while breathing deeply and
slowly and then closing the arms over the chest in a hug. The learner can hug
himself and the parent may hug him simultaneously. Do this three times in a row.
This move boosts relaxation, rhythmic breathing and a sense of well-being.
Lip workout
Pucker up the lips and hold for a count of eight. Say "cooeee", pulling the lips into
a wide smile while stretching the "eeee" sound for the count of eight. This move
improves muscle tone in and around the lips for clear pronunciation.
Confidence booster
Cross the feet and arms in a hugging fashion. Rest the tongue high against the
palate, in the sucking position, in order to activate the part of the brain that calms
emotions. Breathe slowly. The eyes may be closed. This move calms the body,
heart and mind. It also boosts the immune system and enhances rhythm.
Supporting the development of Survival Brain (de Jager, 2009):
 Rather drink from a nozzle bottle, or straw than glass or cup
 Blow bubbles
 Do breathing exercises (breath in for 4, hold for 7, breath out for 8)
 Blow up balloons
 Play on a swing, slide, roundabout and see-saw
 Blow out a candle
 A teddy bear can be an ear that listens.
Give the child cool-off time straight after the outburst. Don’t let the child be alone.
Give an activity like:
o Smash play dough (Durr, 2012)
o Go outside and yell, or yell into a pillow (de Jager, 2014)
o Let the child hit a cushion with the inside of an aluminum foil roll. Remember to explain to
them that they may hit the cushion but not another child (de Jager, 2014)
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o
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Punch a punching bag (explain to the child that they may never punch people)
Scribble with crayons on newspaper (Durr, 2012)
Throw a wet sponge against a wall (Durr, 2012)
Run
Listen to soft music like ‘Dream’ by Richard Clayderman, Five Concertos for flute, or chamber
orchestra.
Hug it out. Hug and hold the angry child.
When angry, count to ten before you speak.
If very angry, count to one hundred.
Thomas Jefferson
TEACH YOUR CHILD TO TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES
(The helpful counselor, 2015):
 Get plenty of rest. Sleep 10-12 hours a day
 Eat a balanced diet; avoid colorants, sugar and fizzy drinks
 Drink plenty of water
 Get away from the situation
 Establish a safe alternative kid friendly location where they
can cool down
Ongoing anger can be extremely destructive for families. So if things get out of hand you may want
to seek guidance and support from a family therapist, or social worker.
It’s time to seek professional help when:
 Someone’s anger seems to dominate the atmosphere in the home
 Someone’s anger gets them into trouble
 It translates into physical violence
 Someone is excessively moody, withdrawn, tense or silent
 Someone gets angry too often, or the anger is too intense (Green, 2005:70).
By doing Mind Moves daily with your child, the child will manage to avoid angry outbursts and will,
along with all involved in the environment, enjoy their newfound control difference.
It is impossible for you to
be angry and laugh at the same time.
Anger and laughter are mutually exclusive and
you have the power to choose either.
Wayne Dyer
©Mind Moves Institute, Johannesburg. 2016
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Bibliography
Cambridge
Dictionaries
Online.
2016.
Anger.
[online].
Available
from:
http://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/anger [accessed 6 February 2016].
Carter, L. 1998. Getting the best of your anger. United States of America: Fleming H. Revell
Collins
English
Dictionary.
2016.
Anger.
http://www.collins
[online].
Available
from:
http://www.collinsdictionary.com/dictionary/english/anger [accessed 8 February 2016].
De Jager, M. 2009. Mind Moves – moves that mend the mind. Johannesburg: Mind Moves Institute
De Jager, M. 2014. Play Learn Know. Welgemoed: Metz Press
Durr, J. 2012. Ten creative ways to calm an angry child. [online]. Available from:
http://meaningfulmama.com/2012/10/day-278-10-more-ways-of-helping-kids.html [accessed 10 December
2015].
Green, M., 2005. Anger management. Your child, Summer 2005. 68-71
Lively, S. 2014. Helping Aggressive Kids. [online]. Available from: http://onetimethrough.com/helpingaggressive-kids/ [accessed 10 December 2015].
The Helpful Counselor. 2015. 35 Simple Ways You Can Help an Angry Kid. [online]. Available from:
http://www.thehelpfulcounselor.com/35waystohelpanangrykid/ [accessed 10 December 2015].
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